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'Sunset over a River'
Zen Buddhists say, "You never cross the same river twice." We could add, "We never meet the same person twice."
A devotee was in private session with the Sage. The devotee spoke of struggling to love another devotee. He said, "No matter what I do, I seem unable to love her. I really try! I know I should." The Sage said, "You will love her, when you see her. How can you love her, if you do not see her?"
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Three desert monks visited the early Desert Father, Anthony, every year in the Egyptian desert. Two of them would discuss their ideas and their salvation with Anthony. The third always remained quiet. Once, the Abba spoke to him, "You often come here to see me, but you never ask me anything." The monk replied, "It is enough to see you, Father."
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Once, alone with an acquaintance, I remarked on another person, giving a compliment to that other one. The acquaintance followed my words with, "All I see is an old woman." I stayed silent, surprised by what she had said and startled at how out of context. Later, reflecting on her words, I realized she had failed to see, as did the monk, through love. More, I recognized she had not seen the other person, period.
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We may move among persons all day and never see them. We look at them through the sieve of our own projections or judgments. Looking at someone objectifies her; seeing someone is a heart-with-heart meeting with the other's true self - not how she does or does not appear to us.
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I recently moved from a community of four living in the same house. One could have said, "That house is made up of a straight male, a straight female, a lesbian couple, and another lesbian." Or, one could say, "That community is composed of one person - interspiritual - who is not committed to any one religious path and three who are Quakers." Or, "In that house lives one male and three females." Or, "That community is composed of four white persons." There are likely many other ways one could have described the make-up of the community.
Yet, all the above is surface. There is nothing absolute about straight, lesbian, couple, single, white, female, male, Quaker, interspiritual, ... - nothing. When we see in love, we see through surface identities - we know the truth the other is. We do this in only one way - through love, or better, Love seeing through us. Then, all that makes us appear different fades into the background, and our true selves come to the fore.
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One thing I pray daily is from Buddhism, wherein one part is, "May all beings see the light of their true nature." Our true nature has nothing to do with how persons label us. We are more than that.
We are more than what we think we are. Others are more than we think they are. So, we must drop thinking about the other to see the other.
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When seeing our true nature, we begin seeing the true nature of others. We do not deny the surface differences, but those traits are seen differently and no longer are an obstacle to sharing heart-with-heart. In fact, those distinctions can, now, enrich our being together by having faded into the background of our oneness. We can now share our diversity through our oneness, rather than seeking to attain our oneness through our diversity.
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As long as someone appearing different from you blocks your sharing with that person as equal with you, the problem is you, not the other person.
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How do I lay aside my projections and see the other as she is, not as I automatically think she is?
You must wait. Then, she can appear. I mean a relaxed holding of spaciousness so the other's trueness can arise in that silent welcome. If awareness is closed off through memory - projecting a past onto the person - she cannot appear as she is, for you have shut the door. This applies both to the other's true nature - which is your true nature - and to particularities. We are each a group of traits that serve as the background of our true nature, our universality.
So, suppose I, a white man, see a woman of color. How I have been conditioned to see persons of color, women of color, and women could close the door to her universality and traits that might help me see persons of color, women of color, and women differently, too. We want constant availability to see freshly, allowing the potential of seeing even a single trait anew. So, my meeting a woman may be an opening to see woman differently than before, even as she may see man differently by seeing me. - Yet, again, seeing is more than looking at. - This applies to all traits.
Hence, welcoming the other to arise, you see her at the moment, not imposing the past - memory - onto her. Additionally, as the openness remains open, more and more of the other can manifest over time; hence, the other becomes a pilgrimage of discovery. And your welcome invites a welcome in reply.
Your welcome of the other is your giving yourself to the other. Without this self-giving, there cannot be openness. Your waiting is your self-offering to that of the other yet to arise into the mutuality of spaciousness.
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Zen teacher, Katherine Thanas, wrote of Suzuki Roshi: "This is what Suzuki Roshi brought us. He brought us himself" (The Truth of this Life). And if we are to enjoy heart-with-heart fellowship with others, we must be intimately present to receive the other's depth. We must give ourselves. Hence, waiting for the other to arise is a dynamic action of self-giving into the spaciousness wherein we wait to see That the other is. And in our seeing her, she may see herself, too.
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*(C) Brian K. Wilcox, 2020
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse. The book is a collection of poems based on mystical traditions, especially Christian and Sufi, with extensive notes on the teachings and imagery in the poetry.
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